no chance.

I don’t know who the director of my life is, but whoever it is has a really messed up sense of humor.

yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “Haleigh, you control your life, you are the master of your destiny.”

or maybe you’re religious, so you’re thinking, “it’s God! Allah! Jesus! Gaia! The flying spaghetti monster (most likely this one, no?)! The supreme deity! (Or whoever it is you worship).”

but if God were directing my life, I would have been struck with lightening a long time ago. I don’t even know enough about Islam to comment, and I hear Muslims get a little testy when you make jokes about their god, so I’m gonna sit this one out. Gaia is perhaps a likely candidate, and I am obsessed with food so the flying spaghetti monster is totally a possibility. Whoever my supreme deity is (sorry if I didn’t list you, bruh), s/he is tripping.

I hang out with my cousin who we will call Sauce, cause he would probably like that, pretty often. He’s out in south central PA, it’s like maybe an hour away. I make that drive a lot. Anyways, pretty much every time I go out there I meet another of Sauce’s friends. Remember Beckham? The fuckboy who bailed on my formal two hours prior? Yeah, friend of Sauce. Now public enemy number 1.

so I saw him last night.

which was bullshit.

okay, I’ve obviously known my cousin my whole life, and I’ve known Beckham for like a month and a half. Sauce has known Beckham for a few years apparently, but I’ve never seen him around, or even heard of him, until recently. Beckham set up Sauce with his fiancee, who we will call Nugget. Cause she’s so small.

enough backstory, damn Haleigh.

I walk up to my cousin’s house, ring the doorbell about 700 times (how else would you make an entrance?), and walk in the living room. David, my roommate who is a girl and definitely not actually named David, said it best.

“Your whole body, ever so slightly, recoiled at the sight.”

Beckham was in the living room.

Why was this utter bullshit? Because I’d never seen this kid before, and now suddenly he’s constantly around, and after what he pulled, he should never be around.

I went straight to the kitchen, I didn’t even say hi to my cousin. I found solace in pizza. I returned to the living room, happily chomping. “SHA MEH YER HAUS.” (show me your house [he just bought a house]). And so we did. And so Beckham, and this girl, we’ll call her Kimberly J. Brown, cause that’s who she looks like, followed along.

keep in mind, I’m doing well here. I haven’t said anything, I haven’t acted peeved about the situation, I immediately adapted to this situation. Poster child of feminine grace. Me. Aloof I was determined to be.

everything was fine until I somehow found myself face to face with Beckham in a door way, Kimberly about 1 foot away, watching us, sensing the hostility, trying to understand what was happening.

Beckham gave me this look and some excuse about bailing. I looked him deep in the soul and said, “you owe me $50.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I was moving, it was a lot.”


“Okay, I have it. Well like, I don’t have it on me, but I have $50.”


“I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, pay me back and we’re cool. It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

Kim is like whaaaat. I can feel her staring.

the angel that is Sauce’s daughter came up the stairs and I swooped her up and left.

Beckham spent the next hour or so walking out of every room as soon as I walked in it. Smart move for a dumb man.

so about now is where the story shifts focus onto Kimberly. I felt so bad for Kimberly. She barely knew Beckham, she didn’t know Sauce, David, me, anyone at all. And I knew everyone in the room well. But I clearly had beef with her new man. From personal experience I can say nothing will make you feel like an isolated island in a room of archipelagos faster than a situation like this. She was in a worse spot than me. I didn’t have to care what Beckham did, I came to the party independent of him. I am blood to his water, I am more permanent than anyone else in the room because I am related to the situation that brought us all together. Horrifying. I was this girl’s worst nightmare embodied. I really felt bad.

so I was nice to her. She begged me to come outside while she smoked a cigarette, so I went. She asked me every question she could about Beckham. I said don’t waste your time, she didn’t heed my warning. I resolved not to care.

Kim tried a few times to mark herself as his in front of me, she eventually stopped when she realized I really didn’t care. Her catchphrase is “no chance!”

It’s her way of calling bullshit.

I dug it.

Like, Beckham owes me $50, but there’s no chance! I’m getting that money back without a fight.

Beckham eventually got too drunk to know what was happening. He kept trying to tell me things about him, kept trying to play it cool and friendly. I wasn’t having it. Every time he opened his mouth, I was there to tell him what he said wrong, how nothing he said made sense. When he got in an argument with David, I said, “sweetheart, the problem here is that you’re wasted trying to argue with someone who is smarter than you sober.”

“I’m pretty intelli-” (can I get a fuckboyyy?!)

“No, she basically already has her doctorate and is 22.”

“I’m 22!”

“Yeah, and you don’t have a doctorate. So no.”

When Nugget finally showed up, her face was priceless. She saw Beckham, then she saw me. Then she looked at Beckham, and back at me. And then at Kim, then back to Beckham and back at me. And I looked at her like, yep, this is real life right now.

She had a lot of questions for when it was only me and David in the room.

I have to give all of us credit, though. The three of us exemplified true grace in the most uncomfortable situation that could have possibly fallen upon us.

as for me and Beckham?

there’s like, no chance.

9 thoughts on “no chance.

  1. Speaking of fifty bucks, I had sold a microphone to a friend of mine a while ago. It was hardly used, in mint condition, with original packing materials. It’s now 3 months and the chase is on. I think that ‘no chance’ works in my situation, too. 😀


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