money problems

I tend to write my blogs while I’m at work, so I can pretend I’m a professional writer, getting paid while I write…but I’m not getting paid to write, which I have been informed makes a great deal of difference.

money.

today, I’m writing to you about money. Because I don’t have any. Because the balance is at zero. Because I’m feeling overwhelmed by the transaction histories in my e-mail and the fact that everything. costs. money. And money is one of those things where the less you have, the heavier you feel.

whoever said money can’t buy happiness wasn’t entirely correct. Certainly having the money for your doctor appointment, your groceries, or just a quick stop in a nail salon makes you feel better. A little less anxious, a little more serene.

I’m just waiting until Friday, finding creative ways to spend no money this week so that I don’t drive my line of credit up. So that I don’t empty out my savings. I could puke.

I’m admittedly awful at managing my finances. You’d think I’d be better, what with my dad being a financial advisor, my uncle being a financial researcher, my sister being a banker.

I’m not.

if you give me $500, I will save $100. The rest will be spent within a few days, tops. Mostly on food. Then I will justify pulling $50 of that $100 out to buy something I saw at the mall.

I remember going through my bank account, trying to figure out how I blew through $24,500+ in 3 years with nothing to show for it. It was mostly food and clothing that I ended up getting rid of a few months later. I should probably weigh more. I should also probably get someone to put me into a strict budget system and someone should probably take away my access to my accounts.

there should always be a middle man between me and my money.

I’m like a bad mother. I love my child, but I’m not good for my child. Someone else should have custody.

here’s what happens: I get a paycheck, I feel elated, like this money will last so long! I will never run out of money again! I go to the bars, I go to dinners, I buy this, I buy that. Done. I check my statement and I feel like I’m suffocating. Nothing is there. So I hold my breath until the next paycheck and I just feel so much relief that I finally have money again, so I do it all over.

it’s a vicious cycle.

I think I come by this compulsion to spend money honestly. A lot of people in my family have an appreciation for acquiring new things. But I wonder where it comes from.

surely, if material things are bringing you happiness, something is missing from your life. Perhaps spiritually. Maybe emotionally. Shopping is just another crutch, a way to temporarily fill a void in the soul, to distract ourselves with a shiny new token of temporary fulfillment. Hmm…

it’s a problem. If I’m bored, I shop. Every Friday afternoon for two months I found myself wandering the local malls. My bank account took a hit each time. And I put on my brand new clothes and ran off to the bars with my friends and probably bought shots of Patron and came home to a room full of meaningless things. And I fell asleep among them and had sweet dreams about scenarios that haven’t happened yet. Adventures that may never happen. Events that I wanted to have happened but never did happen.

why am I like this?

guess I have more soul searching to do…


do you have a vice? something you always do even though you know you shouldn’t? a problematic habit? feel free to share it in the comments or with me privately. we’re in this together!

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6 thoughts on “money problems

  1. I don’t think I have a really unhealthy vice. Can something really be a vice if it’s not unhealthy?
    I totally understand the getting paid while I write. I wish I could get paid to write but I suppose I’ll have to settle for the other.

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    1. Hm, no I think there has to be something negative about the crutch to be a vice…now at the same time, we would have to consider how much we believe in sayings like, “everything in moderation.” Too much or too little of anything can be unhealthy, and therefore could push the behavior into the “vice” category. Do you agree?

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  2. My vice is musical equipment. I have a studio filled with gear and I really don’t need anything more. But, if eye candy pops up, I’m all over it. For example, I didn’t need this, but I got it. I really need to stop!

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