confidence and courage

after 15 consecutive 17+ hour days, I have finally managed to turn my laptop back on and write a blog post.

incredible.

since we last spoke, a lot happened.

I moved. I [officially] graduated college. I moved some more. I set up utilities. I received multiple pay checks. I went on a lot of adventures.

but most importantly, I learned I am far better at tricking people into thinking I know what I’m doing than I thought I was. When I started this job, Sally and her boyfriend said, “oh, you’ll be fine. You’re really good at winging it.”

I didn’t realize this was a skill I possessed.

honestly, I’ve been nervous as hell at my new job. I hate picking up the phone to call my agents. I never know what I should say. I walk up to these people, most the same age or older than my parents, and I’m supposed to carry on a conversation like we’re equals. Like I’m not 40 years younger than most of them.

it’s hard to do that.

apparently I’m killing it. Apparently my pseudo-boss and his daughter think I am oozing with “confidence” and “passion.”

but really, I’m just doing what I need to do despite being mortified to do it. It’s courage, with some meager confidence. I really don’t know if I’m doing a good job. I don’t know what a “good job” looks like in the first month in my position. It’s the strangest job.

I don’t work with my coworkers physically. We are all connected via Lync, but I work solo in my office. No boss over my shoulder. No coworker to mirror. It’s just me and the people in the office I’m based out of, who work for a different company. I guess they are my effective coworkers, but they aren’t even in the office very much. Sometimes it’s just me, the secretary, and the bookkeeper. My job is bizarre, but I dig it.

but we aren’t here to talk about my job. We are here to talk about confidence and courage.

Confidence: the state of feeling certain about the truth of something; a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.

Courage: the ability to do something that frightens one.

it scares me to be confident sometimes. But I know I have to do it. I know I have to wing it, go out on a limb and hope I don’t fall.

and I love doing that.

I love the challenge of breaking down walls, of opening new doors and exiting my comfort zone. Nothing will make you feel more alive. That vulnerability is exhilarating.

sometimes, like right now, it’s hard to write for this blog. It’s hard to admit things about yourself and then let countless strangers and people you know who don’t know you so deeply see what you’re really thinking or feeling.

but here I am, doing it anyways.

so I want to encourage you to do something that scares you this week. Take one big step toward freeing yourself up to new possibilities. See where they take you.

my leap placed me in a new town, not too far from where I went to college, in an apartment by myself, where I don’t know anyone.

the thing is, starting fresh is nothing new to me. I did the new school thing five times, had to make new friends all of those times, and I managed to do it. Now I’m doing it again and I’m sure it won’t be the last time, either.

being confident is only half the battle. You can have all the confidence in the world and still not be brave enough to make the first step. That takes courage. Sometimes I know what I set out to do will go just fine and I still have a hard time actually doing it.

doing something outside of your comfort zone is scary, especially if you’re not used to it. You have to channel this air of “just do it” and crash yourself through that mental roadblock. You have to be a little reckless. When you can be a little reckless, you will find it easier to become more and more reckless, until you have an entire office convinced that you’re confident and know exactly what you’re doing.

welcome to corporate America, where everyone is utilizing this technique.

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