I’m still not over it.
Only, it’s not the bar stools anymore. Okay, it’s still the bar stools. But there’s more now. The cabinets are glaring at me. The whole kitchen is mocking me. The hard wood floor is trying to trip me, splinter me, anything to make me remember:
I am an impostor.
In industrial and organizational psychology, there is a research known as the impostor theory. The impostor effect. Something along those lines. We talked about it in one of my Cornell classes. I remember it well. It carried me through the first month of my job.
Basically, we are all helplessly convinced we aren’t qualified for the position(s) we hold.
It’s a strong affliction, the impostor effect. Someone can tell you “there is this thing called the impostor effect” and you can still fall victim to it. It’s powerful, those feelings of self-doubt. You’re supposed to remind yourself of all the reasons why you are qualified, why you are capable of your role.
I used to have these dreams as a kid that the floors in my house were wet. It stressed me out and had something to do with ghosts. I guess ghosts are cold and slimy, like wet carpet. Anyway, feeling like a captive in your own home is tragic. But it’s all fine when you wake up and realize your carpet isn’t wet and it was all in your head.
I don’t wake up from being mocked by my kitchen.
Clearly, I am thriving.
Obviously, my kitchen cabinets aren’t really mocking me. But they intimidate me regardless. My bar stools are just like, “really, why do you have us?” And honestly, I don’t know! I feel like 3 weeks ago I was sitting in my high school wearing a green hoodie and American Eagle skinny jeans, legs kicked up lazily on the desk, texting my high school sweetheart and ignoring whatever my teachers were saying.
Now I have bills?
It doesn’t make any sense.
Time moves really, really fast. It will leave you behind if you let it. I’m trying not to get left. It’s hard when you keep retracing your steps, trying to piece together how you got from point A to point B. Life just keeps happening. I can’t quite figure it out.
For now, I guess I’ll focus on becoming friends with kitchen cabinets.